5 Signs of an Abusive Man

So, these past two months people, especially black women have been really dogging this young lady Rihanna out. I mean, it's so bad; people are saying she should've died when they thought she was pressing charges against Chris Brown and just really mean things. But I've known of some young women who were in abusive relationships before and thank God they are out now but looking at them, you wouldn't think they'd be the 'type' to be in that kind of relationship. People didn't think Rihanna was the 'type' nor did people think Halle Berry was the type but it's not really about being pretty or beautiful, it about the inside traits that lead people to go through these hardships.

*JACKED*
JealousyAt the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling BehaviourControlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

I wanted to add that these men are master manipulators. They know which strings to pull and even do so just to get a reaction out of you; it's like a game or fun to them. One way that wasn't mentioned in the signs above is that you should never feel afraid or scared of their reaction if you did something you know they would probably go "balistic" about, like calling them an hour or two later than you said. They will use their anger as a way to make you scared of them and guilty if you don't do something they want. It's best that you safely exit the relationship now because it will only get worse.

If they are constantly saying stuff like, "I oughta' slap the * * out of you," then what makes you think they won't actually do it one day? You are so much better than that and deserved to be treated like a queen.

Worship and Praise...It's What We Do!

Hey y'all. I pray that you've been doing well and living in God's will for your life.

It's so good to be back and talking with you all and seems like I've had quite a hiatus from this blog though it hasn't quite been a month. But you all know that I attempt keep you consistently engaged though other activities prevent that.

This week, I wanted to discuss something that I spoke about in one of my earlier posts and something I just learned in the past few months. It deals with the basic question that many human beings ask themselves: Why am I here? It also deals with questions many Christians ask themselves: What can I do to grow closer to God?

Well, the first question I really didn't understand until around last year even though I audibly heard the answer of the purpose of humanity when I was in high school. However, at that time I didn't fully receive or understand what he meant. But I know that over my life time, I have heard many, many people ask this question: Why am I here? The simplest way that I can put it is that humanity was made for the glory of God and so was the earth. That is why we are here: to glorify the creator of all things that exist, God Almighty, Jehovah Jireh, I am that I am, Alpha and Omega, etc. When I say the creator of all things that exist, I do not mean a "higher power" which I often times hear many people use as if they are saying they believe in God. I am saying the creator of all things that exist according to the scripture in John chapter 1, verse 3: He created everything that there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a commercial and it instantly didn't sit right with me and I am speaking of the content of the material. No, there wasn't anyone naked or any brutality being conveyed but the message of the commercial advocated evolution which as a follower of Jesus Christ, I do not believe in. In this particular evolution theory, they used an Amoeba (or the smallerst living single-cell organism) to show how it turned into a fish, then a lizzard, then a monkey, then a caveman, then a man in the 21st century chewing gum. Okay, this evolution theory says that an amoeba turned into a fish, then a lizzard but if the fish turned into a lizzard, why do we still have fish today? Furthermore, if it took one amoeba to turn into all the things which make up the earth, then why are some living things inactive and others are active. What would make the smallest single-celled living organism differentiate between evolving into a tree versus a bear or a deer. Further more, this theory does not explain how the sun, moon, stars or galaxy came into existence. In such theories, there is always a purpose behind why creatures look or behave the way they do now yet I am waiting for science to explain evolution's response to why every human being ever born will not have the same finger print as another human being; what purpose in evolution could this serve?



Now, in the book of Romans it say that the invisible qualities of God have been clearly seen. In the basic English version the scripture look like, "20For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature,(A) have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." It says in previous passages that the wicked will experience God's anger because "the truth about God is known to them instinctively" and that "God has put this knowledge in their hearts." If you simply take time to look at the sky, or the flowers, or insects, or anything that you can see, it is truly wonderful how creative God is. There could be hundreds or thousands of different species of insects or trees, or even how beautifully the sky changes colors of organge, dark blue, pink, white, etc. We often take these small things forgranted but simple reflection reveals the true beauty of it all and the nature of God and how he ordains each thing to fufill a purpose. Human beings, which are creatd a little lower than anels are also ordained to fufill a purpose and glorify God.

That is why we are here, to glorify God through our obedience, worship, love, praise, etc. When you think of all he's done for us, it isn't much to ask. One thing I've learned about humans is that since we are made to glorify God and worship Him, that even if we turn from this we still end up glorifying and worshipping something because that is what God has put in us from the beginning. He lets us choose where we will walk in that innate passion to worship and if it will be Him or something else. All throughout the bible, God tells us that we shall have no other God's before Him. We should not put anything above our relationship with Him or make it our complete object of affection. For some, its the pursuit of money where they may do any and everything to obtain money even if its goes against the Word of God. I don't want you to think that you shouldn't pursue being wealthy or having money because it is God's will that you have life abundanlty in all arenas, yet there also should still be a balance. You have to make sure that you seek Him first and not the money or other things you may fancy.

In my years of trying to walk in obedience to God in His will, I never understood the importance of worship and praise in this pursuit. I had walked in obedience and prayed but was missing the worship part of being a Christian that is soo important. As explained to me one day, "God is looking for the true worshippers..." All this time, I had been trying to find God as the bible says we should seek Him but a pastor revealed on television that there are times when God will seek you out - one of them is during a time of true worship. Jesus says in John, "23But(A) the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father(B) in spirit and(C) truth, for the Father(D) is seeking such people to worship him." This means that when you worship God in spirit and in truth, God is looking for you. In Psalm, King David says that God is searching the whole earth to see if anyone has understanding. So, when you humble yourself, ask for forgiveness, truly repent and worship God, He is looking for you.

I will go into more detail about worship in the next blog post. Until then, I pray that God's will is done in your life as it is in heaven every single day that you breathe.

The Beauty of Pregnancy

I don't know specifically why, but it seems that in the past two years my desire to have a child has tremendously increased. I find myself looking at third-trimester pregnant women with a sense of awe and wonderment. I mean, it's so beautiful to me. The fact that you actually have a life, a little person, another human being growing inside of you that in the most optimal situation is the result of your love for your husband and his love for you.

Foolish Things

Lacking in sense, judgment or discretion. According to Meriam-webster.com, this is one of the definitions for foolish.

Sometimes, when we look back on our past and ask, "How could I have been so foolish?"

Today, I was reading something I had wrote in December; something that had happened in my past that really made me sad. Simply and truly reflecting on situations you've been in can make you that way sometimes. But we grow, and we move past it yet the memories are still there but as I began to feel sad, I knew that God could lift me up. So, even at my job I went in the bathroom and prayed because I knew that I couldn't let the mistakes of my past affect me like this. I didn't want to feel sad for things that God had already forgiven me for so I prayed and God led me to this scripture and comforted me with His Word. Isaiah 54:4,

4Don't be afraid or ashamed
and don't be discouraged.
You won't be disappointed.
Forget how sinful you were
when you were young;
stop feeling ashamed
for being left a widow.

See, God is great in his love and mercy even beyond what we can understand most of the time. So, even when we have done things in our youth, foolish things that of course went outside of God's will he can restore us and will always be there. In v.10, he continues to say,

10Every mountain and hill
may disappear.
But I will always be kind
and merciful to you;
I won't break my agreement
to give your nation peace.

Many times, it's maturity itself that brings this shame that many people feel and sometimes, it can be other Christians. People in the church who look down on those who may have fallen since for some reason, people forget that we all are human. There are those that tend to unjustly judge the sin that they can see yet seem to forget that they have sinned, only their sins are hidden from public view. Married women may sometimes look down or frown their noses upon the pregnant young woman who was never married and say, "Hmphh, these girls need to learn to keep their legs closed." Yes, I've heard women say this and even though this is true, do you not remember the shame of your youth?

Do you not remember the foolish things you have done? Maybe your sin didn't result in pregnancy or being in a car accident from drunk-driving but it doesn't mean that you didn't sin. When these people look at others who have been "caught-up" in situations, they may frown their noses as if they haven't done wrong but must remember, "but for the grace of God, there go I." It's his grace that has sustained them and keeps all of us. Instead of putting someone down and constantly talking about them or the problem, pray for the person because they already feel enough guilt as it already is; they don't need you to make them feel any worse.

I'm not saying, "don't judge" because Jesus didn't say this and the scripture is taken out of context many times. He said in KJV of Matthew 7:1-5,

1(A) "Judge not, that you be not judged. 2(B) For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and(C) with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but(D) do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.


How can someone that has not swept around their own door sweep around yours? That's one of the issues now-a-days in the church. A young pastor is admonishing the congregation not to committ adultery, yet he himself is committing sexual sin and thinks no one knows! How about that...SMH. This is the kind of stuff that makes people think, "How can you try to condemn me when you aren't right yourself?" When you judge in love, have your stuff together so please don't misunderstand because there is a time for everything. Even when the time comes, we must remember that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and none of us are perfect but are constantly being changed by God.

I'm saying all this to say, regardless of the foolish things you've done in the past or "during your youth" as the bible puts it; you don't have to be. You can grow from your mistakes and know that God will give you beauty for ashes. He will bring you to an expected end regardless if you can see it or not. Every now and then, you may feel ashamed as you reminsce on how you've messed up but shake it off and remember that in His prescence there is the fullness of joy.

Clarification on Last Blog Post

We are embarking on a new year and I just wanted to clarify some things in my last blog posting.

I get an impression from the holy spirit that some of you may be questioning why I am telling my younger cousin that basically that, "most men are no good." Trust me; I don't believe this at all.

Rather, I would tell her to judge each man through God's guidance and the attributes that they display to you. I would tell her not to automatically assume that men are bad by defualt because this is what the "7/10" number can lead one to think. I was wrong in writing this and I don't want her growing up thinking this so thanks to the holy spirit I have adjusted my approach.

Toodles!

But the Greatest of These Is Love

Hi everyone. I hope you had a very Merry Christmas and are preparing for your New Year, God willing and of course he is.

This quote is often repeated by many people but to me or so I’d like to believe: it has a very special meaning to me.

At night, while most may be asleep I often find myself waking up and just pondering on how we as women (at least most of us) can continue to love despite being hurt time and time again in the past. How is it that we can look at a situation with child-like faith and bright-eyed enthusiasm and say, “This time it’ll be different,” when the past events have shown us that the likelihood of this occurring is “zilch to none.” None-the-less, we forged over our past regrets and look toward a brighter future praying to God at night, “Lord Jesus, let this one be 'the one.'”

I know that I am not the only woman who feels this way though it often times feels like my tears have been the only ones shed. But as I write my blog, it serves not only as a release for my creative expression, edification for the body of Christ but also a formal remembrance of where I’ve been and where I am going. My personal and friends’ experiences, sentiments are being compiled from a perspective of what the average woman has endured.

I feel for my young cousin, who is still in my generation and going through what many young black girls do…unfortunately. What words of wisdom can I give to her when statistics say that peers are a greater influence on a child than their parents or other authoritative role models? Is it possible for a two-hour a week heart-to-heart conversation to counteract the effects of her listening to rapper Lil’ Wayne and Plies or watching BET two hours a day? I want to shield her from the hurt and pain of finding out that most men that she will meet will only want one thing. Though it sounds jaded, many men that she will encounter as an adult will have no idea what celibacy means.

This summer, I met the most cunning black man that I’ve ever met. Every sign showing his true character I overlooked, in hopes that “maybe it will get better.” He led me to doubt who I was and the many things I believed in only because of his own selfishness. God had to pick me up and take me out of the situation because I couldn’t see “the trees from the forest.” I was in a valley and God elevated me above the situation. I can look back and say that what the enemy meant for my harm, God turned into my benefit. I found out that above all things, I should seek his kingdom first and having a right standing with him and all these things will be added unto me. I am completely and totally content with God alone though I know that it is in his will to compliment me with a mate.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:13


The Audacity of Hope: Wondrous Possibilities

When I met him
I never knew
But as time passed on
My feelings grew

And if our season
Has come to an end
I pray to God
That we become friends

God speak to his heart
And let him know
My kindness awaits
With sincerity in tow

Lord not my will
But may yours be done
In the holiest name
Of thy only begotten son…

Jesus. Amen.

A Poem

Hey ladies,

I know I am suppose to finish the series on what is true love and I will but I have composed a poem that I hope you all will like. I haven't given it a name yet, so maybe some of you can help me with that.


He tried to bring her down
Yet she knew love should be uplifting.
He told his lies
And for a time, she believed
This is what love is,
This is what love should be.

He controlled her time
Even her thoughts belonged to him
All she wanted was sincerity
While he projected fallacies as his love’s proof
All the while saying, “I’d never hurt you.”

She wanted something more
Yet he acted as if this was unsensible
She wanted to give her all
Yet he could only receive the physical.

She didn’t know her beauty
Though a million times she’s been told
It didn’t sink it
Until God released him from her soul.

She went looking for love
In all the wrong places
And as she reminisces
It brings tears at the basis
For false love wears many faces.